Getting into a conversation

Do you find it difficult to enter into an ongoing group discussion? Well, I used to do so.

But then I learned this little trick, before getting into conversation with anybody, Say this thing to yourself

"Others(the ones you are going to start the conversation with) are human beings too. They are not god or mystical beings. They are not better than you. They are just as ordinary or special as you are."

Tell yourself this and try to believe it, because it's true. There is no one on this earth that is more special than you are. We are all created equal, regardless of looks, wealth or even confidence level. None of us is any better than any other. We are only different. So start with confidence.

Then We should learn and practice some of the "interruptor statements" in a conversation e.g

“ One comment is that” , “ I have One question” , “ I agree with you on the first part of your comment i.e xyz but differe on the part zxy” . Keep looking for good interruption statements used by good conversationalists. Note those down, memorize and use those appropriately.

Key to a good conversation is active listening. Then be in a GIVE mode , to provide something useful to the audience, which they value.

Never undervalue yourself

Sometimes we try to be nice to others and give them a chance to speak in a discussion. But usually this behavior is taken by others, not as a favor, but as a proof of you being dumb. My learning is that I should express myself, as soon as I have a valid and value adding point to make. By not expressing ourselves, we undervalue ourselves which later proves to be quite expensive.

Are you feeling used? How to avoid this?

Often times, I feel used. I tried to analyze that, why is that it happens? How people sometimes use me out of proportion, and I could not do anything?

At least for me, it happens because of not saying clear NO in the beginning itself. The moment somebody puts an out-of-the-way request, I sometime do not say NO and try to avoid the situation somehow, by giving excuses etc. The other guy finds the solution to those excuses, and then I am not able to say NO because my reason for saying NO has been eliminated, the guy has overcome the issues, and I am feeling helpless and used in this situation.


The learning for me is to say PLAIN NO, in the beginning itself, if you think you cannot do what the other person is requesting. Please for God sake, have courage and say NO.

Tough decision making

For me the difficult decision making comes when I do annual appraisal of my employees.Tougest ones are the border line appraisal cases, which are at the border line of Exceptional and On target, and the cases which are at the border line of On target and Improvement Required.

My learning is that do enough ground work, especially for these borderline cases, and then decide. But once you have decided, DO NOT WAVER UNDER ANY CONDITION. During the appraisal discussions, employee will try to justify to the best of his or her ability to get the best possible rating. Your brain will also might say that may be you are wrong. But rest assured, NEVER EVER CHANGE YOUR DECISION. Even if your change in decision is to give better rating to the employee, it is a disaster to change the decision. It will spoil the trust the employee has on the manager. Employees would also like to work under a leader who never wavers. Your intention might not be of wavering, but of giving best to the employee, but employees judge you by your behavior. They will see you as a weak leader, even if you change your decision in their favor.

Employee is not always right

As a manager you must have faced this. An Employee comes to you with her grievances, un-happiness or dissatisfaction at work place. She might be right in her frame of reference. As a manager you have to evaluate, whether you have to take care of that particular matter as is or whether you have to change the frame of reference with which the employee is thinking. It is easier to do the former, than the later as we are tempted to resolve the issue at hand.

One example for this learning is that the other day one employee came to me and said that he is feeling left out from the project team. He is not kept in loop for a number of discussions, not invited to team lunches etc. I took it as a simple matter and talked to the project manager to please include him in all project matters. Project manager’s view was that he should include appropriate amount of people , not everybody for everything, which is correct. Although he reluctantly agreed with me to include this particular person, but I knew I made a mistake.

Best action would have been to take an action on this, and then try to see holistically that why is that what has happened, happened. And then try to match the frame of reference of the subject matter with that of the employee’s. It is always better, and harder, to align the Frame of Reference or Perspective of various stakeholders in any matter. Most of the problems originate from this mis-alignment.

Be Professional

The moment you step into office, your attitude should turn professional. No emotional bullshit, not personal favors, no loose talk. Should have pre-decided or at least on the spot decided topics, discussion on those and decisions or next steps. The moment you defer from this path, you are calling for a trouble for yourself